John Cross

A Modern Christian President

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I have a friend - Jim Easter - who runs an interesting site called Some Are Boojums. It has been my pleasure to e-mail with Jim for the past several years and we once collaborated on a post looking at the science presented by one Dr. Jaworowski (which was one of the most fun posts I have worked on these years).

However Jim is a multi-talented individual and about 4 years ago wrote a piece which I found amusing at the time. I do not consider myself to be very political, however in my opinion the latter Bush administration represents one of the low points of Western Civilization in very many different way. So that might explain some of my liking Jim's work. But I think it actually has more to do with my liking of Gilbert and Sullivan and perhaps reading too much Mad Magazine in my youth. I think that Jim's crafting of this version is nothing short of brilliant. In fact, the only thing I can do is present it.

So here is "Modern Christian President". Offered for your enjoyment. I know that Jim sometimes lurks around here at Dawg's, so if you read this Jim, please note that this still has the prize place on my office door even after 4 years.

I am the very model of a modern Christian President,
My sanctified advisers are both transient and resident,
I know our planet’s history in milestones theological,
From Genesis to Malachi (but nothing geological).

I’m very well acquainted too with matters exegetical,
I parse the scientific into holy and heretical,
In embryonic stem cells, I see Satan’s plan to capture us,
But space-based X-ray lasers make me positively rapturous!

But space-based X-ray lasers make him positively rapturous,
But space-based X-ray lasers make him positively rapturous,
But space-based X-ray lasers make him positively raptu- rapturous!

I will not rest until our era cuts off at the Holocene,
And all our high school students have Intelligent Designer genes.
In short, with pious counselors both transient and resident,
I am the very model of a modern Christian president!

******

Pat Robertson’s advice for me has never failed to fascinate —
Especially which foreign leader we should now assassinate.
To pick Supreme Court justices, I never have to wait and see –
Pat puckers up his eyes and asks the Lord to make a vacancy!

For drilling in the Holy Land, I’ve always had a softer side,
Don’t tell me of the Hubbert Peak — it’s Providence that will provide.
My daddy and his daddy knew their bidness King Faroukh-ular,
But never bring it up with me, because I might go nucular!

But never bring it up with him, because he might go nucular,
But never bring it up with him, because he might go nucular,
But never bring it up with him, because he might go nucu- nucular!

I don’t believe in global warming; Kyoto is anathema.
I haven’t put the weather in my plans — and neither has FEMA,
But still, with pious counselors both transient and resident,
I am the very model of a modern Christian president!

******

When I can tell you what is meant by adenine or cytosine,
When I can tell by sight a PCR tank from a bread machine,
When I’ve acquired the rudiments of epidemiology,
And list the latex virtues with no hint of an apology,

When I know any factor that gives rise to tropical cyclones,
When I know more of physics than our mascot did at Skull and Bones,
When I have mastered any part of of basic science policy,
You’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all at sea!

We’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all at sea,
We’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all at sea,
We’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all-at-all-at-sea!

For, although in sacred matters I’m a walking, talking Pentium,
In science I have only reached the early first millennium.
But still, with pious counselors both transient and resident,
I am the very model of a modern Christian president!

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This page contains a single entry by John Cross published on October 26, 2009 4:56 AM.

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