(Ottawa, May 7) DawgNews has learned that famed astronomer and physicist Galileo Galilei may soon be out of a job. And he’s not likely to be the only one.

In a shocking development, the Vatican announced today that henceforward the Roman Catholic Church will support only “religion-oriented research.” Spokesperson Garibaldi Buonanno explained that so-called “pure” research has “no net benefit for the devout.” The new approach will be based, he said, upon “believer pull.”

“Look, the people aren’t interested in some guy dropping stuff off the Tower of Pisa,” he said. “And as for this sun-in-the-centre nonsense, what good does it do anyone? How does it relieve us from the burden of sin?”

Buonanno pointed out that the world has survived six thousand years of flooding, wars and other disasters since the Fall, “and all we needed were the Ten Commandments, Jesus Christ and the invisible hand of God.”

“If Christendom is going to continue to compete with the Saracens, the Zoroastrians and other infidels,” he said, “we must do it through new ideas, new products, and opening new markets. Exegetical studies of the Gospels are high on our list. And cathedral-building. We can never have too many cathedrals. Keeps a lot of people gainfully employed, too.”

“We’re establishing the Holy Church as an organization with much greater capacity to have a more immediate and positive impact on Christendom’s societal well-being,” he said. “And we’re proud of that.”

Galilei was unable to have his comments approved by the Inquisition before our publication deadline.